If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one, it can be heavy and a lot to process on your own. As skaters it’s not something we acknowledge, but so many of us have lost someone and go through a period of grieving. Idk, it’s not something everyone feels comfortable talking about, but I’m willing. I think it’s a healthy conversation to bring up for everyone. It’s also therapeutic for me to write something useful out of this time (thank you for allowing me to share openly in this way that helps me cope tbh). I want to cultivate and create a safe space for topics like this- ones I feel don’t get written about or openly discussed because of the more serious, emotional nature of the topic. I’m not afraid to get vulnerable in community when there’s a possibility this could be a comfort for someone who can relate. So here we go. It’s just here for whoever might need it.

While I recognize this isn’t something everyone can relate to, for those that it’s relevant for: know you’re not alone if you are going through that right now and the pain will lessen with time. It can be a lot to process, I hope any or all of these offer you something useful to consider. Big hugs.

1 | Talk to a person who can be there for you

One of the hugest things about dealing with grief and loss is it’s a heavy topic not everyone is comfortable or able or available to respond to. That’s why it’s nice there are free support lines you can call at any time to talk to someone who is specifically there for you for that reason when you really need that. It can feel isolating or like you’re gonna be a downer or a burden to talk about it. There’s no shame in reaching out to a professional or someone who volunteers their time to do exactly that. Use the resources available to you- there’s there for that reason!

The night I found out my friend had died, thankfully I was able to reach out to my family and talk on the phone (even though they were out of state and there’s a time difference) and text a friend. I still didn’t want to be alone after that. (I was lucky to have even caught anyone that day- if it had been any later, I wouldn’t have been able to get a hold of or talk to anyone close to me. I’ve been in that position before and it’s really hard to deal with something that emotional when you aren’t even able to talk about it with the people closest with you because of the time or where you’re at). Hotlines are available 24/7 so no matter if it’s 2am where you’re at you can call and talk to someone if you need to.

Sometimes you also may not want to burden people you know with the heaviness of what you’re dealing with, it may affect them too hearing about what you have to share and then they have to process that information, people you could talk to may not be available, have the time, have the space. You may not really know who to talk to about it or know who would be willing to be there. You may not feel comfortable sharing or processing with just anyone. And some people in our life are just not equipped or able -or may not have the capacity in that moment- to hold space for you or know how to respond in the moment in the way you need. People who volunteer or work for hotlines are willing and trained to respond in a way that allows you to process how you need to.

If you’re in the Seattle area, I totally recommend the one I called (Community Information Resource Line [866-427-4747] a 24-hour crisis line offering crisis support). The person stayed with me on the phone for the hour, was local to where I live so it was nice to know they were from the same area; they simply asked questions about my friend, how they died, listened and expressed understanding for how I was feeling which helped me immensely process my shock. It was helpful to not feel guilty to share and that the other person on the end of the line was really just there for me and didn’t mind listening when I needed someone to talk to about it. They also encouraged me to call back anytime I needed support, which is nice they extended it to beyond just my initial moment of shock. If you live in another area, I just searched “grief hotline 24 hour” and was able to find a UW Medicine PDF “Bereavement Support Services” that listed a bunch of resources. I just called the first one. They will ask you a little bit about why you’re calling and your name- then you get transferred to someone and they’ll just ask you what’s going on and you can share. That was my experience anyways!

2 | Let the tears flow

It seems like a silly thing to say but for real- let yourself cry. Let it out. It’s good for you. I have cried so much and honestly it’s helped me feel all the feels and let them out. Crying is healthy and normal. It’s part of healing.

Crying detoxifies your body, helps you self-soothe, dulls pain, improves mood, rallies support, helps you recover from grief, restores emotional balance (according to an article by Healthline on the benefits of crying). The only time it’s possibly unhealthy is when it becomes completely overwhelming or uncontrollable- then it’s time to seek help and support.

Physically, crying is “a mechanism that allows us to release stress and emotional pain”

– Harvard University, “Is crying good for you?”

I think a lot of people feel embarrassed to cry (it is when it’s unexpected, in public or inconveniently timed, I agree) but you are allowed to cry when you feel the need to. It’s not weak to express emotions, it’s human. To feel that grief and loss fully to its depths -even if it means crying- is to acknowledge the love you have in your heart. That’s a beautiful thing. Bottling things up or holding back out of pride is suppression and that builds up into a tension that needs released. Emotions gotta get out of our physical body too, and crying is one of the ways it does that.

3 | Take care of your self &
Take it day by day

Grief physically affects you, and everybody will be affected in different ways- it’s important to prioritize taking care of yourself. Mainly sleep, eating, a shower, getting fresh air, some movement like a walk can be really good. Basic necessities can become hard but it’s so important to keep doing them.

Physical symptoms you may experience during grief (according to a medical article by University of Michigan Health on “Living with Grief”):

• “Change in appetite, either overeating or undereating
• Low energy level or fatigue, even when there has been no physical activity
• Stomach upset or headaches
• Sleep disturbance, either sleeping a lot or inability to fall asleep
• Loss of interest in daily activities
• Becoming more aggressive or irritable
• Inability to concentrate
• Sadness and crying over unrelated experiences”

One of the things I definitely experienced that I think is relevant to anyone reading this as a skater is the “loss of interest in daily activities.” _{(We’ll cover that in the next section).}

Emotionally processing everything takes a toll on you physically.

Take care of yourself physically with the everyday needs like sleep, eating, drinking water, moving a little, getting some fresh air. It’ll help immensely. If you can cut out other priorities to focus on this (put it towards the top of what you need to do), you’ll be able to cope a lot better overall.

If you have a job, responsibilities, relationships to uphold, communication you need to maintain while you’re also grieving and just trying to function- it can be difficult. Focus on what’s most important and don’t overburden yourself with more than necessary. Prioritize the need to take care of yourself. And if you can, just take it day by day. Do what you need to do today and that’s enough.

5 | Accept where you are at &
Give yourself time to return to skating

Being hard on yourself, judging that you’re having a difficult time, trying to push yourself past it or rush your healing truly doesn’t help. it only creates resistance. Experiencing grief and loss never happens “at a good time.” If it happens, the best thing you can do in that moment is extend yourself loads of grace. Be understanding. Be accepting. Let it take the time it takes with no deadline. You can’t place a due date on your healing. Embrace yourself with compassion.

You may not be your typical self. That part was really difficult for me because I’m a naturally positive and energetic person who loves to be social and skate. If you can learn to embrace the you that you are even while grieving as just as loveable and worth spending time with, it’ll go easier for navigating situations when you’re around people but not feeling like your usual self. You just have to accept where you are and allow yourself grace.

I mentioned in the previous section how I’d cover experiencing the “loss of interest in daily activities”. I feel like I did cover this in my previous post pretty extensively (“Happy Skating | Finding Joy In The Journey”), but basically I didn’t feel like skating. I couldn’t even get myself to do it if I had wanted to. I didn’t know how I was supposed to show up and enjoy it again when my friend had just died. Skating is such a happy thing for me, and I didn’t feel happy- I was sad.

I especially didn’t feel like skating since it was how me and my friend had met (through rollerskating) and formed our friendship. Skating was a huge part of that- so also a huge reminder of them, and how they were gone, and all the grief that comes with that. The realization we’ll never skate again together. The feeling of guilt of how could I be out here skating or happy or doing this without them. The only thing that heals that is time and giving yourself the grace to come back to it when you feel ready.

It took awhile to get moving again- like two weeks? That’s the longest time I haven’t skated in months. My return skate was a solo skate in nature and so healing. I drove out to a new scenic spot on the island I live on with my rollerskates and headphones. I found a mellow song and gave myself permission to just try to move- however I could. It was hard to move at all that first time. I slowly, barely moved- but as I tried it got easier to do it a little more. Your first time back skating you may not be fully ready, and that’s okay. Just trying at all is good. I barely skated for awhile because I didn’t feel like it, but slowly returning to it was a healthy approach (at least for me). Go at the pace that feels right for you. Know it’ll come back.

6 | Honor what you had

Being able to honor what you had -even though it’s gone with that person- is healing because it allows to be grateful and appreciate the gift that person was in your life. Taking a moment to acknowledge the miracle that you even knew each other in this lifetime and got to experience so much goodness from that is a more joyful way to celebrate their life and remember it. Taking time to express gratitude for all you appreciated about that person and their presence in your life can bring a sense of peace.

“I’m so thankful I met them. I am so thankful for the times we got to have while they were alive. I am so grateful for the laughs, the memories, the fun times. I am so glad we got to share so many moments together. I am glad we knew each other and got to be friends. I am glad I got to witness their light and soul. I’m grateful for the time we had.”

This helps with accepting that while that has ended, you did get to experience good times and have that person in your life at all- and to appreciate all that brought and what a gift they were. It’s remembering them fondly and honoring that at least you knew them and had them in your life.

Depending on how close that person was to you, how much time you spent together, etc- you may find it harder to accept the loss of them in your life. I can’t say anything about that process because I’m still moving through it myself, but I do want to say- honoring the memories and being grateful, appreciating what you did have- it helps a lot with being able to move forward knowing you got the time you got, and all you can do is appreciate that for the gift it was for the time you had it.

7 | Appreciate what you still have

Part of moving forward after losing a loved one is realizing all the love you still have in your life- or that is available to you here and now, still, if you allow yourself to continue letting it into your life and appreciate it.

There is this sense of some friendships, connections, relationships feels irreplaceable. Especially if it was someone who was close to you or special to you in a way that no one else in your life quite was at the time. That’s a heavy loss that’s no going to get filled immediately or in the same way like that person did. They were special to you. You’re not going to go out and “replace” them. But you can recognize that if you were able to meet, cultivate, experience and have a connection like that with this person, it’s possible to have a similar experience again.

Yes, they were uniquely (Name). You can honor how special and unique a loved one was to you and know nothing will ever change that- while allowing yourself to continue making new friendships and opening yourself up to still the people in your life and the people you can meet in the future, too. It gives you hope that you didn’t lose it all. You did lose someone very special. But there’s a lot of life available around you still.

If anything, it can wake you up to allowing more of what you lost into your life once you realize there’s so many ways that is still available to you and let yourself continue to experience love, joy, happiness, making memories, laughter and all that you once shared. Keep sharing it. Keep experiencing life. Open yourself up to expanding more of what you loved with them. In a way, that joy carries on with you. You are the continuation.

Losing my best friend woke me up to my own responsibility to continue cultivating deeper friendships; it got me asking myself- how do I connect with other skaters outside of when we simply meet up to skate? How can I get to know the people around me more intentionally? How can I appreciate what I have?

It opened my eyes to see the abundance of love, community, friendship, fun, laughter around me and how much I have to appreciate still that’s still here. I’m so grateful that even in the midst of loss, I feel blessed with an abundance of relationship and the opportunity to deepen those has just opened up in a way it never had before. The people in my life have been so loving to me and I appreciate it. I see it. I am more open to receiving it and also to be that person to anyone around me who needs understanding, compassion, a listening ear, a hug. We’re not as disconnected as we think, we’re very connected- and together we are better and stronger. You may experience loss and grief, but there’s a lot remaining here for you. There’s an abundance of love all around, within you, available to you. Now can be an invitation to embrace it more fully than ever.

Thank you again for allowing me to share here and reading. Let me know if you found this helpful or any thoughts you have- I’m appreciate hearing others join the conversation and chime in so it’s not only me talking as much as I do. 😉

Part 1 linked below in case you missed it!

• “Coping With Grief and Loss As A Skater”

Breanna
aka @scoprioriding
formerly “Simon Slays 55”

Donations/gifts/love/support: @breannacallahan_ venmo

HAPPY SKATING YOUTUBE CHANNEL @happy.skating (Subscribe!)

HAPPY SKATING TIKTOK ACCOUNT @happyyskating (Follow!)

HAPPY SKATING INSTAGRAM @happyyskating (Follow!)

HAPPY SKATING NEW BLOG happyskating.com (weclome!)

Also, disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or mental health professional, so I’m not liable or responsible; I’m simply sharing what I do and passing on things I’ve personally done to anyone who might be looking for ways to move through grief and loss.